Jesus, please lobotomize me.
I used to pray that i'd be married at 23, like my mom. (i'm 23 right now, i have 9 months left). God is ignoring me.Probably because i swear too much. Fuck. Or maybe because my biggest barrier in dating is my personality. I think...
I can't filter my thoughts. I'm not good at using that mask that you're supposed to have when you go on a date. I cannot let dudes think i agree with them when they're wrong, even if its something small. So i speak my mind. Every time.
Last year in January, I went on a date with a guy who told me that "most guys don't want a girl who argues, they just want one who listens to them and makes out with them." How poetic...
Well, I'm sure its's true. And i don't argue for the sake of it. But the context of our convo was was schooling. He was talking about how "public schools make children liberal". I told him that he's kinda wrong and the statement is reductionist.
I could have just stayed quiet and let his have his opinion.
He was a "conservative catholic," which is a huge chunk of the demographic around here. However, that didn't stop him from trying to have car sex with me. in my fucking car. parked outside his house. so much for traditional values. I did not have sex with him and after leaving, I just...cried in my car parked outside my parent's house, out of frustration.
Part of me understood that we were just not compatible, but another part of me reflected on his words and made me realize I'm just not relationship material.
I went on different date a month later. This guy was older than the last, 29. He was more liberal and an ex-catholic, a complete 180. I was hopeful. However, he told me I was too immature and implied that i had...autism. Because I still live with my parents, and maybe because I didn't make much eye contact.
I defended myself. I think that annoyed him. Like i was trying to find things to argue about.
Again, I could have just...not. I should have smiled and nodded.
I could tell on the final date that he did not want anything long-term with me. He started focusing on getting physical. He also opened a nude photo on his phone while his arm was around me, and zoomed in. I glanced over and saw a picture of a woman's butt in it's full, round glory. Ignoring how weird that is to do on a date, I thought him being older and wanting a family meant he was done with that kind of casual thing, especially because he was looking for "only long-term" according to his Hinge profile. I guess not long term with me.
Anyway, I told him that I'd be okay just being friends, since we had hobbies in common. Then he asked if there will be any "benefits with our friendship". He wouldn't stop asking. Mind you, he knew I did not want such a thing. From the start.
Why is it that I'm only tolerated when i can offer something sexually? Is this normal? I'm not compatible personality-wise but I'm good enough for a man's short-term sexual gratification, apparently. Of course I know all guys aren't like that, which is why I think its a me problem. All the guys i attract are like that.
I don't think of sex as a priority. And I could never sleep with strangers. I'm sure part of my Christian upbringing influenced that. But also everyone has sexual boundaries. I don't wanna be with someone who can't respect that. I've spoken with Christian men as well, they still just want sex. I'll be a fun experience then they can go on and "wait until marriage" for the woman they actually want! Hooray... I gave up on them. I don't even know my own relationship with religion anyway.
Maybe I'm too old to have the luxury of being picky. It's as if my "value" as a person is depleting as i get older and now I have to have a flawless personality to get someone to want ME.
If I change myself and just shut up, I'll have an easier time. I already know that. I should have stayed with the FWB guy, or with the car sex guy. Kinda like a "just-take-what-you-can-get" situation.
I thought I did everything right. I already lowered my standards, back when i was 19. That's how I ended up with a catholic all over my pants in a car and being asked for FWB after a date. But that's also how, years ago, I ended up in an unspeakable situation, of which I blame myself mostly, and can't bring myself to talk/write about, even in private. Essentially, I just did what that guy wanted because I thought "maybe I'm single because I'm not doing what the guy wants." HAHA. Actually fuck you TC, that guy didn't want you either, even after all that. I'm telling ya'll, I'm dammed if I do and dammed if I don't.
I just needed a sign that I was worth more to someone than being a warm body. That i was worthy of a real, loving relationship. Just one time. I didn't even need it to last, I just wanted get past step one. (I'm not even sure what step one is!) I needed...confirmation.
So far my attempts for obtaining that confirmation led me in the opposite direction; assurance that I'm just a weirdo who would be fun for a night. Like an eccentric sex worker, except I'm not being paid, not hot, and don't have nearly as much body glitter. I do have some though.
I know that if I want a relationship, I'd have to change completely. To sacrifice bits and pieces of my personality. To become a shell of myself, easily digestible to the market. To lobotomize myself.
At some point, after those dates, I remember driving to the local park and loudly sobbing in the parking lot. I have very little privacy at home. I felt so devastated that after all these dates in all these years, not one person was compatible. And I felt angry at myself for crying over it, which made me cry even more...
I've given up, in all honesty. I don't want to get to the point where I seem desperate. Those two were the last dates I had. I joke about a future husband and kid all the time in my writing, but it's not something that i believe will happen. Maybe I didn't pray hard enough for it as a kid?? Anyways, It's just a joke. Because if I don't laugh, I cry. HAHAHA. (●'◡'●)